Stop the Ending of Your
Relationship
About
the Author
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Break Repair: A Guide to Stopping
a Breakup, Getting Back Together, Staying Together, and Winning Your Ex's
Heart
Book Excerpt:
FOREWORD
Love me without fear
Trust me without questioning
Need me without demanding
Want me without restrictions
Accept me without change
Desire me without inhibitions
For a love so free....
Will never fly away.
~Dick Sutphen
The lessons I have learned in my life, and
through my grief recovery from the death of one mate and the loss of another
very special man, is that I am a whole, unique individual. I truly love myself
today! I no longer feel like I need to frantically search for love, or outside
affirmation, to feel complete. Through my recovery I discovered how to be
a whole person for the first time in my life.
However, I also 'delightfully' discovered
some things about love, relationships, and winning hearts. I learned the
tricks to saving a relationship, and to stopping a break up, or divorce...
and I have proven them to be true over and over again. And I can
show you these same tricks.
I am at a place in my life right
now where I have the power, within me, to not need anyone. Want, yes.
But need, no! That is a very good place to be.
Recently, I have had the opportunity
to be reunited with an ex. This particular ex was once the be-all of my life.
The center of my Universe. When we broke up I went through every antic and
tactic that I could think of in order to keep him, or win him back. Begging,
pleading, promising him I would change, trying to
be 'centerfold-perfect'...etc. I was devastated by the mere thought
of losing him. And I mourned the loss of "us" so deeply; the pain was so
abysmal that I thought I would never, ever breathe again.
And now, here he was, begging
me to come back! And I managed to get him to do this by using four very,
simple 'human-nature' strategies and following 20 simple and basic
rules.
But I didn't want him back. Revenge
is a bitch. He lost me. I am great. Ha-ha. Let him feel the pain of losing
me.
(Okay, enough digs about my
ex...)
See, I am in a new, and much
better, relationship. One I have no intention of ever leaving - and
I am very happy in my new relationship. And do you know why? Because
my current mate used these very same strategies to win me back when I was
planning on leaving him!
This is how it came
about:
After the grief of losing two very
important men in my life - one to God, and the other to another woman - I
feel I wrote The Book on grief - and, in fact, I did! I wrote the ebook,
How to Get Over a Breakup,
many, many years ago. How
to Get Over a Breakup is a great book for overcoming
and understanding grief. I highly recommend it (toots own horn). Anyway,
I wrote that book based on my experiences handling a breakup, and the experiences
and observations of others in a broken relationship. I wish I had
How to Get Over a Breakup available
to me when I was mired in the deepest of despair and the black, endless depths
of my own pain over a lost love.
Yet, quite ironically I learned so
many inspiring lessons - and gained so much happiness through this grief.
One thing I learned is to be happy
with me. I have come to the realization that I do not need anybody,
and this realization has made my current relationship very different from
all others. I have the attitude that "he" is replaceable. And he is! No man
is an absolute 'must have' in my life, anymore. Yes, I love him. But I do
not need him in my life. In fact, I didn't even want him (all my past
grief had left me somewhat of a commitment-phobe). I wanted to be alone.
But, the relationship progressed so smoothly that I was deep into it before
I realized what was going on.
And then the commitment phobic side
of me panicked. I had to get out! I didn't want a partner; I wanted to be
single.
Now, here I was, a CP (commitment
phobe) desperately trying to get out of a relationship that I didn't want
to be in. So, naturally, I had to convince myself it was for the best.
(When a person wants out of a relationship their mind goes into a maximum
'negative' overdrive! They start zeroing in on the tiniest of flaws and minutest
of problems and then they exaggerate these small imperfections to extreme
proportions.)
And boy, did I do just that: I told
myself that he had just too many flaws, issues, and problems - that he was
insecure, mistrusting, controlling, demanding, etc. I wanted to be free of
all these issues. No longer interested in this kind of toxic love, I was
looking to be alone, or at least in a more stable, secure, and true love.
A love that was quiet, without issues. Not this clinging 'neediness' that
this man displayed to me. And the more he begged for attention, the more
he needed me - the more he clung, controlled, threatened, connived,
and pursued me, the more I desperately tried to get away (wouldn't
you?).
One night, in particular, I would
have done anything to get away. I was suffocating! Having spent the last
two days mentally planning my 'escape', I was ready to take flight at the
slightest provocation. And, happily, that provocation came along in the form
of him trying to start a fight with me by playing 'martyr' upon his insecurities
(he was good at pulling out the 'martyr-card'). He had become outraged,
indignant, overbearing, and totally irrational. This was my cue! My time!
I could now leave, have an excuse, and not feel guilty about it because it
was all his doing. In my mind he was forcing me to leave him.
Since it was his entire fault I no longer felt the 'guilt' that had
been the only thing holding me hostage in the relationship.
While he sat outside raging, and
full of his own ego and needs and wants, I calmly and rationally - and behind
his back - got some of my things together inside. I didn't want him to know
I was leaving him because I didn't want to have to face the uncomfortable
confrontation of telling him to his face...and having to face him fighting
against my choice and resisting my decision to leave him. I didn't want
to deal with his begging, and pleading, and neediness. His total sense of
lack of worth without me.
So, quietly I grabbed my emergency
items for the evening (toothbrush, cash, medication), mentally planning to
come back when he left for work the next day, to get the rest of my belongings.
And I knew then that - after I returned at a later date to get my things
- I had absolutely no intention of returning to this relationship, or him,
ever again.
Having done my emergency packing (hiding
everything in my purse), I stealthily slipped out the front door and walking
past him I calmly said, "I'm going out for a while". I still didn't
want him to know that I was leaving him because I didn't want to go through
the confrontation that I knew would be inevitable.
He didn't react to my proclamation
that I was 'going out for a while' - at all. This was HIGHLY
unusual, as he was always very much against me going anywhere without
him. (He just couldn't trust - anyone!)
As I precariously walked toward my
car, I heard him say to me...
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